Continual fluctuation from calm to panic, back to a fake calm and resting in a hyperventilated para-panic

We had been trying for a baby so long that it felt unreal to be told we were pregnant.

I have this annoying trait of being completely incapable of excitement for an upcoming event until I am actual immersed IN the event. I think it is a defense mechanism, if you keep yourself from getting too excited you can't be too disappointed when it doesn't work out. Kristen and I both took a stance of forced calm when the test was positive, waiting for the next doctor's appointment to tell us it was really real...really.

There were a couple of times when we both had to mention it to somebody, Kristen said she felt like she was being dishonest. The little peanut of an embryo isn't exactly making itself obvious just yet. Kristen and I both were over-interpreting every little thought and emotion from then on. We tried to walk through a baby department, it was horrible. We were so stressed out, and it was a crappy store, that we just walked through robot-like pointing and grunting if something caught our eye. By the time we left we both had continued to freak ourselves out, wondering if we were stressed out and scared intentionally to prepare us for bad news. What if we were given the fear of things not working out so we could start to get ready for that reality?

Wednesday was our first ultra sound. Kristen was having a very emotional day on Tuesday worrying about it, Tuesday is one of my worse days, I don't even see the house, or her. I felt bad I couldn't give her the hug she needed. I was fine, making myself fine, burying my emotions like we are all taught to do. I was fine until Wednesday on the way to the appointment. I couldn't even articulate my thoughts enough to say a prayer. On the way to the doctor (Kristen and I were having to meet there)I could only chant over and over while glancing up every now and then heavenward, helpohelpohelpohelp oh calm me down oh help ooooh breeeaath iiiin annnd ouuut.

When we got there the doctor was at the hospital delivering two babies, and one of the dads passed out. SO we had to wait a couple of hours, having no choice but to fake being calm. We got a bite in the cafeteria, not the best French Dip sandwhich.

The ultra sound was great, we could actually see the baby! I know everyone knows that, but it was what we needed. Kristen was very logical and intelligent until we heard the heart beat, 182 beats per minute. I said "holy crap" a few times and Kristen's mouth just hung open. The best part of the sonogram to me was when they measured the little thing and the computer calculated that it was the size of an 8 week 5 day embryo, and gory be! that was how far along we were! I was terrified that the positive pregnancy test didn't take into account an underdeveloped situation or who knows what.

We started to tell a few people that night. We were going to wait until after the first trimester, but when you've been trying to get pregnant for over a decade, a pregnancy is kind of a big secret to keep quiet.

My parents still don't know. I am so dead.

My parents aren't online. This blog was how I told my brother and sisters, having them take a look and see the baby tracker.

My parents are too far away to tell in person and a phone call seemed too boring. I sent a package to them right after the ultra sound. I bought a couple of books that they fill out for the new baby about some geneology, who they are, what they thought at different times, nice and touching. I included a card and a pic of the ultrasound so they couldn't be confused. It was supposed to get to them Friday or Saturday. I am writing this on Sunday night, if they don't get it tomorrow I'm going to just tell them. I have spoken to them a number of times since Wednesday, it is killing me to not say anything.

Well, we're excited and appreciate the congratulations we have been given so far. The whole point of becoming a blogger was to share with everybody how things are going.

It's going to be an interesting ride.