I think I almost get it.

I'm feeling a strange combination of gratitude, an impending understanding that life never pauses, and feel like I've been given a little glimpse.

There are probably too many things adding into this weird little feeling I'm feeling right now, but I'll take a shot at an explanation.

First, and not the entire point; Kristen and I got to go play games with some friends and their friends over the weekend. I didn't use any exit strategies, never said we "had to get Greydon home" just to get out, which I totally had scripted in my head if the need arose. The restaurant, well I'm a restaurant snob, and "people watching" is my code for thinking "wow, glad I'm my version of normal, and there was plenty of "people watching" to be done; and the next time we go to that restaurant will only be to avoid coming off as the snobs we really are at heart. But the conversation was lovely and enjoyable, followed by a fun evening of games. There were no tragic stories shared during the night, but little things that came up in conversation either made me very thankful that my baby doesn't have horrible nightmares, or made me think about the young man he is going to grow into, and how soon that really is going to be here. It's already been 9 months, and while I know that is not 14 years, it only feels like 14 minutes we've finally had him down here.

Then today in church a brother in our ward shared his testimony that the baby they have been expecting just passed away before being born. I don't know all of the details, but my eyes leaked and my heart quivered as he expressed how his heart broke when the baby's little lifeless body was placed in his lap. We know people who can relate better than I can, but I can relate now after 3 months of NICU more than I could 9 1/2 months ago. He bore a beautiful testimony of Christ, and eternal families, and I cried.

During sunday school the lesson led me to ponder the wonderful protection and gifts of the spirit I was blessed with as a missionary.

Next I had the chance to gather all of the Aaronic priesthood and start them working on a song to sing in church in a couple of weeks. And these boys as they sang a few different hymns trying to figure out which one they wanted to go for, really sang. Though some of them really are talented, I'm not talking about a skill set. They heard the words, and put effort into singing them like a piece of praise a hymn should be. It was beautiful and rewarding. I had nothing to do with the spirit that was there, just happy to be part of it. One of the young men thanked me for being there and doing a good job teaching them as he gave me a cool hand shake and a knuckle, I thanked him for thanking me and was touched.

After church we went over to the care center where Kristen's grandfather is being cared for to visit and let him visit with Greydon. Greydon has always been great with him, better than most adults who aren't his parents and he sees less than daily. He sits and coos at him, touches and plays with his Grampa's face and Grampa just eats it up. As we were leaving one of the nurses who knows his preemie story had us stop on our way out so she could see him and fawn over him. While we were standing there another resident of the care facility named Donna came over when she saw a baby there. We were standing near the dining area and she scuffled over and fawned and cooed like any grandma would do. I don't know Donna's story, but I'm guessing she's in the care facility for a reason. She was wonderful. She asked if she could touch him, which already touched me, people don't think to ask, but she just wanted to touch a little baby. Of course we said yes and Kristen stepped a little closer to her. She just daintily held onto his little shoes and kept saying how precious he was and touched his hand before the nurse said it was time to go. I don't know Donna, but she was wonderful.

Then we came home and I took Greydon to the porch to feed him a bottle. He played with my face, my hair, an errant thumb came a little too close to going all the way up my nose. After the bottle I put my feet on the railing while he sat somewhere between my chest and my lap, and my belly and played with his feet and me as the smell of the bush that looks like cherry blossoms mixed with the smell of the budding lilacs and I wished I could freeze time for a second.

So in a minute here I'm going to go lead choir practice, I don't have any finals or homework due, my baby is here and perfect, the grass is lush and thick and the flowers smell perfect and all I can think is that it makes perfect sense that the celestial kingdom is going to be here on earth. That's the glimpse, I think I almost get it.