Ok, I've been remembering things wrong

I must admit I was wrong, if you know me at all you'll understand the momentous nature of this occasion. We weren't trying for a baby from day one, it took a few years to start thinking about it seriously, then a while realizing it was going to be a challenge. I forgot that part.

I'm not trying to sound like I'm on a soap box during this next part, just thinking out loud. It's funny though, especially in the culture I find myself, the pressures that come from not having children. We were in that boat long enough to have some opinions about it. It's such a delicate situation. I am so excited about having a child on the way, it's only been about 5 minutes now that we've known, but already I have weird feelings about no longer being in that "childless" boat. There are so many times when we had our feelings hurt unintentionally. People would be talking about how nothing else mattered except having children, right in front of us. I mean children are incredible, but I think it is possible to make the world a better place regardless of having or not having a spouse or child, isn't it? The worse was when a pregnant lady complained about it in front of us, it actually happened all the time. I just felt like shaking them, tears in my eyes, shouting at them, until they never dreamed of saying something like that again, it wasn't a gentle subtle feeling that came over me during those times, you might have noticed. I'm not talking about having a bad pregnant day, I'll never understand what that feels like of course, but there's a subtle difference, I can't explain it. Have bad days, feel like crap, find someone empathetic, that might not be a childless couple.

Oh, the real worse? Man, I hope I don't get guilty of this one, pitty, no not just pitty, simpering pitty like they had any idea what it felt like to feel like you failed your spouse, your roots, your religion, it's suffocating sometimes.

We didn't go to church on Mother's Day.

They always hand out flowers to plant, we don't have any of those flowers in our flower beds. They make you take them if you show up, they say it's for all women; mmmmm nope. Maybe I'm being a little too honest. I think it is hard to be sensitive to everyone's various situations when you give a talk in church when it is so far from one's own reality. And you really start to get a little bitter, ready to be angry, I shouldn't admit it, but it happens. But you hide it, fake it, move on, in a day or five forget how mad you were. I remember a pretty special Elder's Quorum when I got up the guts to talk about it. It was a lesson about families, but it was being presented in a way that left out anyone except traditional families. I didn't rant or rave, I just talked about being lonely. Wanting to feel like part of a bigger family, that's what we all are right, brothers and sisters, can't we be each other's family? Sometimes that would've been nice. It was a special day, I got a lot closer to some of the guys after that.

There's another weird thing about "trying to get pregnant"! Wow, if it was weird being the childless couple, try to be a private person when people find out you're "trying to have children". Some of the questions! Sheesh. But it's like suddenly you're allowed to not have children, it's ok because you are "trying". The longer you "try" the farther the head tilts to one side when people talk to you about it, or the more detailed they get about what you should try next.

I know, I know, everyone is just trying to be supportive and helpful. I understand, kind of.

I have an incredible sister who chose not to have kids. I think she would be a wonderful role model and parent. She is so strong, I'm not sure she realizes it, kids could learn alot from her. I'm sad we are going to be living so far away from her, my child is only going to get glimpses of her showing how to square your shoulders to the world and dare it to throw something else at you. I don't know all of the reasons she made that choice, I probably never will, nor need to. But I don't pitty her. I don't think she is bad, or made a mistake. I don't think she needs to repent or apologize for that decision. What kind of schmuck would I be to pretend to understand everything that led to that being right for her, maybe she regrets it, maybe she is really thankful she made that choice, maybe I'm being really presumptious thinking that she felt like she had alot of choices.

I guess tolerance is the word I'm preaching for. There are so many people who make decisions that are different than ours. There are so many more people who are living through situations so far from our own reality that we couldn't even grasp the possibility of what their shoes fit like.

Yesterday, I looked back into the back seat for something, I got this funny feeling in my throat like I was supposed to be seeing someone back there. It was nice.

I am so thankful I get to change boats, I hope I can remember what it felt like to be in a different one.

My wife is going to hate this post.